Almost There / They're / Their

Phew! End of semester...final papers all read...just need to calculate grades, ruin a few lives and move on. Last night, after reading for three solid days in a row - non-stop (I kid you not) - I reached up and put my hands on my head. It felt shrunken, all too small for all that I had read and shoved into it. It was a very surreal feeling - how could I have amassed that much reading into a space that fit between the palms of my hands and outstretched fingers. Certainly, it needed to be far larger, states larger, than that.

This was a hard end of semester for me. It always is a mix of good and bad in terms of feelings. It's a kind of euphoric-depression - eupression? I got this when I raced triathlon and running, especially after the big ones - the marathons, the half-ironmans. All those weeks and months (and really, years) of preparation, to come across that finish line is such an overwhelming feeling of relief, success, and "is that all there is." And, now that it's done, now what?

I know my students are out partying tonight. Well, a couple of them are still wondering how to mend their grades after being caught plagiarizing, but the majority of them are already tapping kegs, grilling burgers, racing their cars down dirt roads, going to movies. It's that emotional outpouring of knowing it's as done as it's going to get.

For me, it's some of that, but also, a strong sense of loss. I'm losing some great people from my life. Yes, my students are my life. I watch some of them truly grow and blossom in a year of classes. All the brightened faces of discovery in their own abilities, the light seeping into the cracks in their minds as they learn something of the outside world. I remember the fights and struggles, the pushing and the shoving of their fragile ideologies into a larger world. The tears in my office, the angry words...they're all still my kids. No matter their age. "Mom," as she was dubbed by the students, may well be, but while she's in my class, she's my kid.

All of this, boiled down into A, B, C, D, E - with pluses and minuses in between.

Is that all there is?

I'm exhilarated, yet feel empty. I come home and, believe it or not, go out to pick up dog poop in the back yard. Yup. That's my grand finale. Dog poop and sticks so my husband can mow the lawn. And, as I do it, I'm grateful for it. The meditative pacing back and forth across the lawn, like a labyrinth walk, finding the joy of discovery in a pile of shit, not wanting to let a single one get away from me, picking up the littlest stick triumphantly, as certainly I have saved the mower from catastrophe.

And I come in and call a friend. Angela. To hear her voice. To fill the void. We talk of what comes next in our lives, and I know there is something more. I know there is more, purpose, focus, direction. My volunteer work with Hope House. A new event at the library in June. But for now, I just want to sit at home. Look out the window. Maybe, finally, give the dog a bath.

Yes, it's over, and now is our down time before, all too soon, it will begin again.